Trauma can have many negative effects on a relationship, in this article we want to give you some brief tips on what could be happening in your relationship if one person has trauma and how to deal with these issues in a positive and effective way. The first thing to recognize is that trauma is illogical. We want so badly to just expose this to our partners, tell them all their thoughts are not real, not substantial, not sustainable. Unfortunately, there is no way of talking your partner out of their thinking patterns post trauma. By attempting this you could cause unnecessary arguments between you and your partner, you could cause your partner to feel as though their emotions and experiences are invalidate, you could inadvertently reinforce your partners trauma reactions or cause more trauma…basically it’s a waste of time for both of you. So, what should you do?
Be a safe person.
- Be Accepting — this is who your partner is and things may never change. This does not mean you should not stand up for yourself, but instead you should stop waiting for the other person to become who you want them to be.
- Communicate – you may need to get some professional help with this if you have never learned how to communicate in healthy ways or if you feel unsafe with how communication is played out in your current relationship. It is not beneficial to a healthy relationship to hide your feelings and thoughts because issues cannot be solved by using this approach. If you remain silent, you and your partner may end up making a lot of assumptions about each other and the situations that are irrational, untrue, and eventually could lead to resentment.
- Take responsibility for your “stuff” — You should come out and take accountability for your part of the issue. You do not have to accept your partner’s view or what they are accusing you of but accept that what they are saying is their reality and they are hurting.
- Set reasonable boundaries and try to act in a predictable manner – never confront someone who is triggered. They can’t logically reason due to being in protection mode (fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop). You will have to wait until they are back into their relaxed ‘logical’ mind before addressing the issue(s). This may take anywhere from minutes to days depending on the intensity of the trigger and reaction.
A trigger is a trigger, period.
If your partner tells you that stroking their hair or kissing them in a certain way is triggering them, then try not to do it. Of course, if the list is too extensive ask for one of the biggest things you can stop doing and work from there. It isn’t usually you that has caused this trauma response (though it may be) but your actions have been paired with the past pain and therefore is currently a trigger which adds to their trauma pain.
Both partners need to do work.
You both must put the time and energy into working through your own ‘personal stuff’. You are only responsible for your behaviors/feelings/reactions, not those of your partner. If your partner’s behavior is abusive, it is time for both of you to seek out professional help, either individually or together as a couple. As you heal, it allows your partner space to heal. Generally speaking, if only one partner seeks out professional help, that partner usually heals and outgrows the relationship. Healing should happen at similar rates as you learn how to grow together. Know that in the end you may not be compatible; your pain may have been the common factor that attracted you to each other.
Pain and the cause of trauma is always present.
Trauma is something from the past that negatively affects the present, whether it occurred one week ago or 20 years ago. That pain is always with that person and anything that ‘hooks’ to the trauma event just adds to the pain. There is no ‘get over it’ or ‘put it behind’ with trauma, unfortunately, that is not how our brains operate.
Healing trauma takes time and is hard work.
Just because someone is not changing the way you hope does not mean they are not trying or in the process of healing. Something that took a lifetime to create may not be healed in months or even years. Healing usually goes in stages, as someone is working on their trauma things may become worse before they get better, this is to be expected. Change is always hard and facing past trauma can be difficult and painful. Remember, if it was easy the person would have already changed and would not have the trauma reactions they have.
-Angelika Van Grinsven