As a couples’ therapist I have seen enough people come into my office with an assortment of issues and conflicts, but nearly all these stem from some kind of communication problem. And yes, I know that could mean a whole gambit of issues that created the communication problems in the first place (personality, attachment, trauma, culture, etc.) but couples usually want to get things fixed asap, so this is what I usually start my couples therapy clients off with…. basics of communication.
This process focuses on creating better solutions for the future and never focuses on rehashing the past. This is why through these specific steps you will notice there are no back and forth on the situation itself, so couples can get out of defensiveness and into cooperation. So, my hard rule with this technique is no finger pointing or attacking of each other. We just want each partner to take accountability for their part of the conflict and then come to a resolution for next time. When one or both partners feel it is getting overwhelming or escalated, we plan for the couple to pause and take a break. They can come back later to continue the problem solving, but they are never to get into an argument or fight. We want to create an environment where each partner feels comfortable and safe in communication, so both can have a happier and healthier relationship.
Step 1-WHERE TO TALK
Designate a space in the house to have conversations and have a pen and notepad available. I highly recommend not doing this in a bedroom or area of the house that correlates with relaxation or calm. I usually suggest the dining table or room that doesn’t get utilized a lot.
Step 2-THE OUT
Come up with a non-sexual safe word to use when you need to stop or pause the conversation. I encourage this word to be funny/humorous, as that can help relieve the tension in a stressful or flooded moment. If you are not able to verbally say something, I will recommend using a stuffed toy or stick as an object that can be held up to signal when a pause is needed. Use the safe word or object to stop the conversation and set up a time to come back (I recommend at least 30 minutes so that everyone has time to deescalate emotionally, I also do not recommend more than 24 hours due to higher chance of not returning to the issue and having a repeat situation).
Step 3-NON-VERBALS
Always engage in looking into each other’s eyes when you talk and holding a hand or some other type of physical touch between the two of you. This engages vulnerability, trust, closeness, and our feel-good hormones like oxytocin. All of this helps to relax us and relieve tension.
Step 4-I STATEMENTS
Partner 1 uses ‘I’ statements to express their concern or issue. Only address one issue at a time and leave plenty of space between discussions (do not go back-to-back). This ensures we feel secure and safe with our partner and builds up connections. An ‘I’ statement is set up like this: “I feel (feeling word) when this happens/when you do this” and an example of this could look like “I felt ignored and disregarded when you didn’t take the garbage out like I asked yesterday.” This is a short, sweet, and to the point description of the feeling you ended up with after a negative incident. This is not a focus on what the partner did or did not do correctly.
Step 5-REFLECTION AND VALIDATION
Partner 2 reflects to Partner 1 what they heard them say. If Partner 1 is satisfied that Partner 2 heard them and understands, they acknowledge this. If Partner 1 does not feel Partner 2 heard what they were saying or misinterpreted their words, they repeat this in another way, so Partner 2 does fully understand. Example is Partner 2 may say “I heard you say you didn’t like that I didn’t take the garbage out” and Partner 1 may respond “I said that I felt ignored because of the action you took, I did not understand why you were ignoring me” then Partner 1 would respond “Oh, you felt ignored when I didn’t take the trash out”.
Step 6-PERSPECTIVE
Partner 2 now has the chance to verbalize their perspective in the situation. This is not a ‘defend’ yourself moment, this is telling your side of what you experienced. The whole of this exercise is to get away from accusing and projecting and to come to accountability for our own actions and thoughts. Example: Partner 2 says “I heard you ask me to take the garbage out, but I was having a stomachache and went to the bedroom to lay down. I didn’t purposefully ignore you; I just wasn’t feeling well and then I forgot.” This step is awesome because a lot of the time we make these assumptions about what our partner was doing or thinking in a moment without ever getting their actual perspective. I see so many couples breathe with relief in this step, because they are seeing the situation through their partners eyes versus through their own resentment and anger.
Step 7- STEP 5 AGAIN
Yes, repeat of step 5, this time it is Partner 1 who does the reflecting of Partner 2’s perspective. Example: “I heard you say you weren’t feeling good, and you had to lay down and just forgot” and then Partner 2 would say “Yep, that’s about it.”
Step 8-RESOLUTION
Almost there, time to solve the issue. Both parties throw out all the solutions they can think of, my recommendation is each partner comes up with at least 2 solutions to the problem. This is a time to think outside of the box, we tend to get stuck in our feelings about the specific situation and get lost in reaction versus using brainstorming and cooperation to solve the issue (which will help solve all future issues as well). Once each partner has laid out their solutions, then you discuss each of them until you agree on the one or ones you want to use in the future. Example: Both partners agree that the next time a similar situation arises that Partner 2 will communicate they are sick and that they will get the chore done later in the day or ask Partner 1 to do it for them that night and they will make up for it the next day by doing one of Partner 1’s chores.
Step 9-FOLLOW THROUGH
Last step. This is the most important one too, because if this one doesn’t get completed all the previous steps were for nought. I encourage couples to write down the situation and the solutions they decided on into a notebook. This is not necessarily a permanent thing, more to get the habit solidified. Then, when another similar situation arises, you follow your plan of action and see how differently it turns out.
-Rebecca Gonzales