According to the Gottman Institute, the Four Horsemen are specific types of communication in a relationship that can cause the end of a relationship, or to be more specific are predictors of the end of a relationship. These four communication styles are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Great, now we know the names of these but what in the world do we do about them if we see them in our relationship? Below is a description of each of these styles and the ‘antidote’ to them, or what you can do to lessen or prevent the use of these in a relationship.
Criticism is an all-out attack on someone’s character, or who they are as a person. This is a way that one partner will call out faults of the other partner through negative and persecutory judgment of them, making them feel they are bad or wrong. An example of criticism in a relationship could look like this: “I don’t understand why you continue to put the dishes in the dishwasher like that, they will never get clean, and we will all continue to get sick; can’t you do anything right.” The solution or ‘antidote’ to criticism is called a Gentle Start-Up. This is expressing your concern in a more positive and effective way, basically turning your criticism back to a general complaint about something that is happening. A Gentle Start-Up comes from an ‘I’ place versus a ‘You’ place (we call these ‘I’ statements or feelings). So instead of saying the criticism above, you may say “I am concerned about the dishes getting cleaned and the effect it may have on all of us getting sick so much, it seems there are too many in the dishwasher at once, can we sit down and discuss alternative ways of loading the dishwasher so we both feel good about it”
Contempt is communicating disgust or a lack of respect toward another person. When one shows contempt in a relationship, they position themselves above their partner and they portray a belief that they are the moral superior of their partner. Contempt is one of the styles that we see a lot of non-verbal communication with (such as eye rolling or sneering). An example of contempt in a relationship could look like this: “Wow, you are unbelievable, what is wrong with you? I asked you to get me chocolate chip ice cream, not whatever this is. I just can’t ask you for anything, can I? I always have to do it myself. Ugh. (eyeroll)”. Intense, right? Here’s the antidote to contempt, Building a Culture of Appreciation. This is basically looking at your partner in a positive light with positive intentions, or as the Gottman’s describe it ‘find gratitude for positive actions’. So instead of saying the contemptuous statement above, you may say “I know they didn’t have the ice cream I asked for and you did your best to get a substitute you thought I would like, next time call me before choosing another flavor, I’d really appreciate it.”
Defensiveness is basically anxiety or fear of being criticized and trying to avoid challenging or taking accountability for the attack (real or perceived). This way of communicating is a way of protecting oneself against attacks and avoiding painful realizations about the self or situation then deflecting the responsibility away from oneself (blaming others). An example of defensiveness in a relationship could look like this: “I know I said I would print out a copy of the insurance policy, but I am so busy with getting dinner ready for you and doing your laundry. You should just see how much I have on my plate and do it yourself.” The solution to defensiveness is to Take Responsibility for your part of the issue. This one is pretty straight forward, accountability for one’s own actions/behaviors/reactions. So instead of saying the above defensive statement, you may say “Yes, you are right, I did say I would get that printed out for you. Could you stand here and watch the pot while I go do that real quick, thank you.”
Stonewalling is when one partner ceases to engage in the conversation/conflict. This could be that they verbally shut down or physically retreat or both. We refer to the emotional part of this communication style as ‘flooding’ where the partner is too overwhelmed emotionally to be able to process the situation or react rationally, basically the fight or flight response is activated. An example of stonewalling in a relationship could look like this: “OMG, just stop, we’re doing circles with this, and I can’t keep up, I can’t even get a word in.” The antidote to stonewalling is Self-Soothing. This is taking time to calm down and get back into a more reasonable and logical mindset. Each person’s needs vary with this one, you may need only a few minutes to come down or you may need hours. It is recommended that when one or both partners feel tension or emotions escalating that they stop the conflict and take the time to relax then come back later to resolve the issue. Sometimes you can have a safe word that is used or a hand signal, this tells the partner it is not safe right now and both of you need to walk away and soothe. So instead of saying the above overwhelmed response, you may say “I am feeling lost and overwhelmed with this conversation, lets take a time out and meet back here tonight before dinner to resolve this.”
